As I lie here at 34 weeks pregnant, I have several mixed emotions. Each day this far along into pregnancy, I think to myself how much I am ready to be done feeling this uncomfortable, and how anxious I am to meet this little person that has grown inside of me over the last several months. I wish time away. I can feel my irritability, impatience, and tension building up, and am about to burst. I have always struggled to wait for things. I struggle to cherish the current situation. And, mostly, I struggle to cope with something so out of my control.
Pregnancy is one of the most challenging experiences for me. It was for my first two children, and this is no different. I appreciate how beautiful it is, and I really do not take for granted (well, I try my hardest not to, though sometimes it is hard) how fortunate I have been to conceive, carry, and deliver babies. But, I have an extremely difficult time embracing life, as is, without trying to rush through it to get through pregnancy as quickly as possible. For some reason, time during pregnancy feels like eternity. Each week is another huge step for me, but then I instantly await for the next to pass. And, then the next. It consumes my mind.
People always say enjoy it while it’s inside of you because once it comes out, you’ll have your work cut out for you. For all three now, I haven’t been able to really possess that mentality. People always say enjoy the two you have now before a baby comes and changes the family dynamic drastically. But, still, I can’t help but focus on how far along I am, and when this baby will be born.
Even knowing there will be things I will miss significantly when being pregnant, I still struggle to relax. I know that as soon as I deliver this baby, I will see pregnant women, and miss being pregnant. I will see a woman with a pregnant belly, and admire how beautiful she is, and how lucky she is to be welcoming another being into her family soon. I did after my first two. I will miss people constantly talking to me, and asking me what I am having, and when I am expecting. I did after my first two. I will miss the excitement of knowing our family will be growing. I did after the first two. And, I will miss going to my appointments, and seeing that cute little adorable baby on a sonogram. And, this, I definitely did after my first two.
I suppose it’s just my personality. I am fast-paced, always rushing, and anxiously attempting to conquer any task presented to me; even pregnancy. But, pregnancy has its own timeline; no matter how quickly I try to get through it. And, that’s what is most taxing on me emotionally. I have no control.
And now, at 34 weeks, I will do my best to enjoy and embrace the final weeks of what very well could be my final pregnancy. These are the most grueling, exhausting, and agonizing days, but knowing the product I am about to gain, I can’t help but smile, and be thankful. Because, no matter how I feel, and how much I struggle… It isn’t about me. It’s about this beautiful baby growing inside of me until it is ready to thrive in this world in which we live. And, that makes pregnancy a precious miracle.