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To the girl I see at the gym everyday: Each day I walk up the steps to the cardio equipment at my gym, I hope that maybe you won’t be there. But, then again, I am relieved when I see you because I know you are still surviving. I see you. I see you wearing a sweatsuit to workout. Those baggy sweatpants that you have to tie at the waist to keep them in place. At some point in your past, they fit a completely different way. Your huge hooded sweatshirt drapes down your body as you go through the movements on the elliptical. IRead More →

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I took the short cut. The short cut that so many athletes take. The short cut that Allie Kieffer was referring to in her latest interview with Sports Illustrated. Not only did I see skinny as being fast from my own eyes and experiences, but this belief was conveyed loud and clear from the powerful voices of coaches, leaders, and  those surrounding me within my sport. I was a competitive and driven athlete who wanted to be the best I could be in soccer.  At 5’1”, I was without question the shortest player on the college soccer field. I didn’t look like the typical tall andRead More →

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Some believe they have Gaydar, and are able to sense if a person is gay or straight. Some believe they have Jewdar, and can detect if one is Jewish. Me? I have Anodar, and I have the ability to recognize when someone is struggling with an eating disorder. After I ordered my dinner last night at a fast-food style restaurant, I made my way to the cashier to pay. The girl who took my credit card made eye contact, and our eyes locked for a split second. In that second, I wished I could say to her, “I see you. I know what you’re thinking,Read More →

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As I refreshed my newsfeed on Facebook just last night, the first post that came up was a before picture and after picture of a friend who was sharing that she has lost weight. So far she has 132 comments, and each one sends the same message: “You look AMAZING!”  “Wow. So proud of you!” “Yayyyy!” “Beautiful!!!” When I first started my new diet and exercise regimen back in college, my goal was to lose weight and get more physically fit. I had gained weight my freshman year, and as a result of society’s standards of beauty and the thin ideal, I knew I hadRead More →

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My 6 year old son has been asking me for the last several months to run a race together. Though the idea of signing us up sounded wonderful, I couldn’t help but have uncontrollable and intrusive thoughts creep back in head from the time of my eating disorder. At the time of my eating disorder, I not only restricted calories to the extreme, but I worked out excessively. No matter how intense the exercise, the length of time I ran, or the amount of calories burned, it never seemed enough. But, in my mind was always a minimum that I wouldn’t allow myself to fallRead More →