The Cookie Monster

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In most instances, the “Cookie Monster” symbolized a googly-eyed, hungry, and playful Sesame Street muppet. With an insatiable appetite, he craved cookies, and consumed anything and everything. Ironically, in my case, I identified a cookie as a complete monster. A small sweet cake, typically round and flat, became a demon. We had just finished our last team lift of the week. As a reward, our strength and conditioning staff directed our team over to the desk where they were offering a special treat– those ever so popular and scrumptious sugar cookies with thick pink frosting covered with sprinkles. As my teammates rushed over to the display, I hesitated, and realized I had aRead More →

Weight Just Washed Away...Overnight

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It felt like an overnight body transformation. Literally, one night. I stepped in the shower and washed all the weight off my body. It did not matter if I was a freshman or senior, the first day of preseason was the most stressful and anxiety inducing day of the year. It revolved around mandatory meetings, physical examinations performed by the sports medicine staff, and ended with the dreadful, horrible, beyond nerve-racking fitness test on the track. It was my sophomore year, though. With a year of experience under my belt, I should have been more confident, used to the routine, and understanding of expectations. ItRead More →

My New Self-Proclaimed Regimen

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I declared my major at Michigan State University in Elementary Education, with a concentrated subject matter in Language Arts. My certification requirements encompassed various teaching courses and English studies. I am not sure when I became an expert on nutrition, food and diet, but I took it upon myself to create a new regimen and menu in order to reach my goal. By the end of the summer going into my sophomore year of college I was going to be the most fit I had ever been at the time of presesaon. So, without delay, I began my two-a-day workouts, while eating “healthy” and restricting myself from whatRead More →

Psychiatric Medication for Psychotic People?

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“Here is a prescription that I need you to fill today, and begin taking tomorrow. It will take a couple weeks to kick in, so you may not feel or see any changes. Take a half a pill a day to start,” my psychiatrist instructed me. I looked at the script and it read, “Zoloft.” ZOLOFT?? As in antidepressant medication? As in any medication period? I’m sorry doc, but I was raised to fight through tough times on my own. And no doubt would there be tough times to fight through, but I was not to depend on a pill to assist me. Was IRead More →

My First Visit to the Shrink

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Monday at 3:00pm. A day and time I so horribly dreaded. If it weren’t for my scholarship potentially being revoked had I not complied with their protocol, I without doubt would never have showed up. I was so bitter and irate about being accused of having an eating disorder. Because of my resistance to seek therapy, my roommate was asked by the sports medicine staff to personally drop me off and pick me up. I couldn’t look at her. It was a car ride of mere embarrassment, mortification, and fear. As she navigated through the campus of Michigan State University looking for the unknown Fee Hall, she explainedRead More →

The Power of the Voice

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To me, the strongest battle I fought during my time with an eating disorder was “The Voice.” The voice should have been given a legal name, as it truly became a person I heard and listened to every second of my life. The voice dictated my decisions, swayed me not to eat, and convinced me to keep losing weight. At times, I believed this was the only relationship I had in my existence. The voice kept reassuring me I would be a happier individual if I continued seeing the numbers go down on the scale. Therefore, every time I walked into the entrance to myRead More →

One is the Loneliest Number

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It was Thursday, October 9, 2003. Old College Practice Field was placed amidst a forest of trees, where the color changing leaves were noted each fall season. Thursday practices were typically light, as we tapered to prepare for our Friday game. At the end of each Thursday session, my coach announced the starting lineup for the next day, and had the remainder of the team set up as the scouting team to simulate anticipated tendencies. My name had been called every single Thursday as a starter for Michigan State University women’s soccer. Before October 9, I had started all 32 games in which I played. However, everyRead More →

Hypothermia in Hot Temps?

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It was an unseasonably sweltering fall day at Michigan State. As I entered the auditorium that housed a room full of college students, I looked around to find a seat. Six hundred students were assigned to this particular biology course for that fall semester of 2003. We were in an overpacked room, sitting elbow to elbow. Students were using their sleeves to wipe the dripping sweat off their foreheads and drinking water like they had been sitting for hours on a scalding beach. Let’s put it this way – it was evident that people were uncomfortably hot, sweaty, and parched. I looked around and noticedRead More →

In Hopes to Save the Next Madison Holleran

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I was shaken to the core as I read the horrific, yet all too familiar, story on Madison Holleran which has resurfaced all over social media. As a former college women’s soccer athlete at Michigan State University, I knew Madison’s pain all too well. The recent overwhelming number of posts, tweets, and links directing to the story legitimize the urgency I feel to raise awareness about mental health. ESPN published an article, Split Image, on a 19-year-old beautiful, Ivy League track star, who died after jumping from a parking structure to commit suicide. I can personally attest to the similar feelings of anxiety and depression in a quest forRead More →

Food and Fuel

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There are many contributing factors that led me to the development of a frightful, obsessive disorder, labeled anorexia. One, in particular, that stands out in my mind as an athlete is the drive to be the best. As a competitor, I was willing to fight, battle, and push further and further. When I sat down at the end of my freshman year, at my final individual meeting in the spring of 2003, I stared nervously at all three coaches. I sat quietly, anxiously waited to hear their feedback. There was nothing more intimidating than sitting in an office with three coaches to discuss your role in the program. The meeting’sRead More →