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The Pressures That Kept Me From Loving Soccer

On: March 17, 2016
Tagged: anxiety and depression, athlete, athletes, excessive exercise, health, mental health, Motherhood, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Women, women's college athletes, women's college soccer, women's soccer
The Pressures That Kept Me From Loving Soccer

From the time I was a little girl, I strived to please others. I thrived on praise and attention, and put all my efforts into being recognized and acknowledged. It was something I felt internally, but was never able to look inside, and see that was where my troubles were brewing. I happened to have gravitated toward soccer at the age of four. Not only did I enjoy it, but I stood out, and it came more natural to me than it did to others. It provided me a sense of accomplishment.

It was clear from the start that soccer was my sport, and was going to play a significant role in my life. I was determined to be the best; on my team, in my league, and in my community. I was competitive, and refused to lose; whether it was a practice or a game. I found joy and fulfillment from my success on the soccer field.

But, the pure love and joy for the game of soccer that I once had as a young girl began to fade. As days and years passed, my expectations for myself magnified. My moods began to be dictated by the way I played, or the way I thought had played. As hard as my dad was on me, I was much harder on myself. I lived with a knot in my stomach, always questioning whether or not I was being evaluated by coaches and parents as a top player. The truth is, I was more worried about how others viewed me as a soccer player, rather than just playing, enjoying the game, and doing my best. I was more focused on the end result than the process.

I never felt like it came easy; like I was the coach’s favorite, or that it was a given I would make a team. There were other players who had older siblings who paved the way for them. I didn’t have that. I needed to create my way without any external influences. As a result, I always had a chip on my shoulder, which probably benefited me in some aspects, but was, also, detrimental to my psyche. I was always playing, battling, and competing to prove myself. I needed validation; whether it was verbal, a selection to a team, or through my game production.

My nerves were atrocious. I spent more time wondering if I was going to play well that day, than focusing on just going out there, having fun, and working hard. Even as a kid, I lost sleep the night before a big game praying that my performance would be impressive. My focus became more on my individual contributions than on the teams results. It some cases, if I deemed my personal performance as acceptable and copacetic, than my team’s loss wasn’t nearly as disappointing than if we were to win, and I perceived my play as poor.

I remember the day clearly. We were in West Lafayette, Indiana my freshman year of college playing at Purdue University. The score was tied 1-1. I had struggled to be impactful that day. I had a chance to redeem myself in the last few minutes of the game when I found myself in a position to score; and, I missed. I was distraught. With seconds ticking down on the clock, we were awarded a free kick. Our junior captain stepped up to take it, and scored. I was still distraught. I recall getting on our team bus that afternoon in tears. Though, this appeared to be selfish behavior, and it was, I couldn’t help it. I was too focused on critiquing my own performance to even open my eyes and celebrate a huge victory. Would I lose my starting spot? Would my minutes be minimized the next game? These questions raced through my mind on a daily basis. I recognize now that had I received help on how to manage these internal struggles, I may have been able to fully embrace the team sport that I had once found joy.

I truly believe that my body and mind weren’t able to fight those demons any longer. Instead of “burning out” from soccer, I believe I began developing unhealthy habits and behaviors, as a result of the immense pressures I felt inside. It is heartbreaking to reflect back on the amount of time I spent focusing on my performance, and how I perceived it. The reality is, it was never good enough in my eyes. I was never satisfied. And, I convinced myself that I was always going to lose my spot, playing time, or position on the team.

It is easy to say now, I wish I had let go of the stressors; and to have just enjoyed running around, competing, and participating in a team sport. To have smiled, laughed, and relaxed when it came to practice and game time; instead of having my lip quiver, and my limbs shake with nerves in hopes of playing exceptionally. To have been satisfied by knowing I worked as hard as I could, and gave it all that day; instead, of obsessing over what I could have done differently or better. To have not been so fearful of failure that it inhibited me from truly reaching my highest potential; and, ultimately, preventing me from enjoying the beautiful game of soccer.

To be continued… How developing, battling, and overcoming an eating disorder granted me an opportunity to do just that; love the sport of soccer; smile and laugh; and be a true team player. But, was it too late?

2016-03-17
Previous Post: Meghan Trainor’s Modesty
Next Post: The Agony of Defeat in March Madness

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